Burnt Store’s Hall "Wins" Case, and Without Lawyer - Gets Just What He Asks For
The following story, discovered by Graham
Segger during his historical research, was published 103 years ago under the
byline Wallace Chadman, Punta Gorda in the March 19, 1921 issue of the Tampa
Sunday Tribune
Mr. Al C. O. Hall, a
semi-prominent house-holder of the Burnt Store district, and a member of the
Witenagemot of that place, appeared in Justice of the Peace court early
yesterday morning and voluntarily confessed to being guilty of the misdemeanor
of intoxication. He asked the court to administer a stiff fine, the highest one
the law permitted. The Burnt Store district lies southeast of Punta Gorda, and
is a fertile tract of land which is rapidly being settled. The place had never
been given a name, and a few years ago when an old store was consumed by fire,
the appellation, "Burnt Store" was given it.
The justice entered
the case in the criminal part of his docket with great reluctance, probably on
account of the prominence of the gentleman, and even suggested that the docket
entry could just as well be "State of Florida vs. John Doe," in order
to conceal the real name of the defendant: but to this suggestion Mr. Hall
vigorously objected, and strenuously insisted that the entry set forth his real
name and the true state of affairs. He demanded that a complete record of the
case be made, including his plea of guilty as charged by himself, so that it
would always show up against him and so that he could refer to it at any time
during the remainder of his natural life.
"And now, jedge"
continued Mr. Hall, as the justice finished the entry of the case and the
confession of guilt in open court, "now, jedge, if you are ready to assess
and apply the fine, I desire to say a few words tending to convince the court
of many and manifold aggravating circumstances, facts, details and items, which
call for the heaviest fine known to the law of the land and warrant the
assessment of it against me."
The amazement of the
Justice at this speech cannot be described. Never in his long career as a
justice of the peace had such a plea been entered in a case before him. He
pulled his feet down from his desk and in so doing nearly capsized backwards,
but finally righted himself, squared around, and told the gentleman to proceed.
Mr. Hall's Sad Story
"Jedge, I’ve saw
these here sharp and lean lawyers get up in court to represent someone that
didn't want to lie for himself, but had pleaded guilty because, it was cheaper
to do that than to try the case; and them there lawyers would spiel to the
court about what they called 'extenuating
circumstances - and they’d orate and promulgate and expostulate on the
proposition why the smallest fine in the book would be as much as was desired
by the defendant in the case at bar, and they'd pray the court for mercy and
leniency and clemency, and to please make the fine so small that there 'ud be
enough left of the feller's farm for a fee and they'd lay great stress on the
claim that it was a first offense, and they'd guarantee that their client would
never again, never, commit the first offense again, and so on and so forward.
"And, jedge, in
many cases the court would bring himself to believe that the ends of justice
would he served by considerin' the extenuatin' details, and he'd administer the
minimum fine to the defendant, and then the 'tarnal lawyer would charge a double
fee because he had got the fine so low. Now, jedge, I am acting as my own
lawyer in this case because I was afeared that if I got a lawyer to enter this
plea of guilty he'd twist it around some way, and get you to refuse it, and
discharge me, and then he'd charge me five hundred dollars for getting me
cleared when I didn't want to be cleared.
"Jedge. I'm only
a plain, blunt man like Hark Manthony was in the time of Caesar, and I can't
overwhelm you with eloquence and citations from the annotated decisions of the
police court of Wauchula, but if you will grant me a little time I shall try to
show you why I should be imposed with the biggest fine that a Burnt Store
resident ever drew.
"In the first
place, jedge, I went into that state of intoxication of my own free will,
aforethought, and premeditated, and as voluntarily as a grown up girl lets her
mother do the cookin'; and it wasn't my first offense by a good'eal, tho' I
hope it may be the last one; and I didn't even consider the kind, quality or quantity
of the swig I was fillin' up on, and I didn't care whether it was rainwater,
oatmeal mash and alcohol, or alcohol, rainwater and oatmeal mash, or
vice-versa, and when I had imbibed about five gallons of it I didn't care for
home, friends or work, death, hell, heaven, or lying in state in purgatory a
few months. I'd throw my money into the streets or spend it for something I
didn't need any more than a grasshopper needs hard coal in winter.
"And jedge, may
it please your honor, when I got to the highest point of my souse on that amalgamated
swig. I'd stand right up anywhere or everywhere, and, right in the faces of all
the Websters - Daniel, Noah and Zeke - deny that there was any such thing as
'morality,' and bet them fifty bucks that their old dictionary didn't contain
such a word; and I'd argue and dispute and contend that there wasn't any
difference between good and bad, and that, if there was the bad they had the
best time by far, and I’d growl at my friends, curse my relatives, load the old
shotgun for my enemies, claim the whole earth and the rest of the family of
planets, and threaten ejectment proceedings against everybody whose name
appeared in the last census book.
And, jedge, just one
or six more words and I am through. I don't claim that I was drunk and went
about the streets of Burnt Store staggering like an underfed dog. But I do
claim I was intoxicated - poisoned - had taken something by mouth which had a
toxic or poisonous effect; and that's one of the chief reasons I am entitled to
receive at your hands the highest sum that ever went into the fine and forfeiture
fund. Jedge, I should never have prosecuted myself if I had gone to the places
where it is possible to procure an old-fashioned, good-natured, good-feeling,
good-everything, good-night jag, and gotten up in the morning with pleasant
memories of the evenin' and hearty hopes of a repetition thereof without
running any risk of making more work for the undertaker. And then, jedge, if my
time limit has not been reached, look at the business side of it. What was my
truck farm doing while I was on that diet of gasoline and boiled sorghum? Not a
thing. Nothing working but ground moles and leaf curlers. Why, I was even glad
and rejoiced to say, 'to perdition with business; I'll be there to take care of
it in a few days.'
"And, now,
jedge, thanking you for your attention, I ask that I be given and granted the
heaviest fine that the statutes of law provide, and I submit that I am entitled
to it for the reasons adduced."
The justice entered
up the highest fine provided by law, and 'Mr. Hall took from his clothes a roll
of bills big enough to dam Fisheating Creek during a flood and threw it upon
the desk. The change was made and Mr. Hall stuffed the balance into a gunny
sack and kicked it out into the hall. "Who says that I can't win my own
suit without a lawyer?" said he, as he prepared to depart.
"You presented
your case very well," said the justice, "and were entitled to the
decision. I am glad you are satisfied with it; but isn't there something back
of it all? A bet or a wager or a promise or something like that?"
And the Explanation
"Jedge, if you
agree not to reverse yourself or remit that fine, I'll give you some further
information." "I agree." said the judge.
"Well, about
three months ago our family physician hinted to my wife that he believed I had
tuberculosis, and it frightened her almost to death. She mourned around the
house as if I was already dead and the insurance company wouldn't settle. One
day my Aunt, who had over heard talk about my ailment, said to my wife:
"What you-all mo’nin’
about? My ole man was as full of dem tubercule
germs as a fe’ther bedtick is full of straw, and he et only one meal a week.
One day a man comes along an' he says he could b’l up a dicocshun what, 'ud
kill germs as big as anerconder rattlesnakes. An dem dar two men, dey jis keep
my boilers and pots red hot fer two days, an' then they drink up that extrac'
and my ole man laid around like daid for five days. Den he done gits over it,
an' ah hain't seen or heerd a sign of a germ about him since.'
"So, jedge, I
thought I'd try Auntie's remedy, and I must say that I'm ready to give a
testimonial to any concern that puts a patent on that stuff.
Graham has been researching the life and writings of Wallace
Chadman, who wintered in Punta Gorda from about 1912 to 1924. For a time he was
the town’s attorney,and was also a regular contributor of humorous stories to
various newspapers across America. A Tampa Tribune article of February 14, 1918
described him as follows “sage, philosopher, lawyer and humorist, of Punta
Gorda. Chad’s philosophy of life is to make at least two smiles bloom where one
flowered before.”
