Another Humorous Burnt Store Story by Wallace Chapman

 Burnt Store’s Hall "Wins" Case, and Without Lawyer - Gets Just What He Asks For

The following story, discovered by Graham Segger during his historical research, was published 103 years ago under the byline Wallace Chadman, Punta Gorda in the March 19, 1921 issue of the Tampa Sunday Tribune

Mr. Al C. O. Hall, a semi-prominent house-holder of the Burnt Store district, and a member of the Witenagemot of that place, appeared in Justice of the Peace court early yesterday morning and voluntarily confessed to being guilty of the misdemeanor of intoxication. He asked the court to administer a stiff fine, the highest one the law permitted. The Burnt Store district lies southeast of Punta Gorda, and is a fertile tract of land which is rapidly being settled. The place had never been given a name, and a few years ago when an old store was consumed by fire, the appellation, "Burnt Store" was given it.

The justice entered the case in the criminal part of his docket with great reluctance, probably on account of the prominence of the gentleman, and even suggested that the docket entry could just as well be "State of Florida vs. John Doe," in order to conceal the real name of the defendant: but to this suggestion Mr. Hall vigorously objected, and strenuously insisted that the entry set forth his real name and the true state of affairs. He demanded that a complete record of the case be made, including his plea of guilty as charged by himself, so that it would always show up against him and so that he could refer to it at any time during the remainder of his natural life.

"And now, jedge" continued Mr. Hall, as the justice finished the entry of the case and the confession of guilt in open court, "now, jedge, if you are ready to assess and apply the fine, I desire to say a few words tending to convince the court of many and manifold aggravating circumstances, facts, details and items, which call for the heaviest fine known to the law of the land and warrant the assessment of it against me."

The amazement of the Justice at this speech cannot be described. Never in his long career as a justice of the peace had such a plea been entered in a case before him. He pulled his feet down from his desk and in so doing nearly capsized backwards, but finally righted himself, squared around, and told the gentleman to proceed.

Mr. Hall's Sad Story

"Jedge, I’ve saw these here sharp and lean lawyers get up in court to represent someone that didn't want to lie for himself, but had pleaded guilty because, it was cheaper to do that than to try the case; and them there lawyers would spiel to the court about what they called 'extenuating  circumstances - and they’d orate and promulgate and expostulate on the proposition why the smallest fine in the book would be as much as was desired by the defendant in the case at bar, and they'd pray the court for mercy and leniency and clemency, and to please make the fine so small that there 'ud be enough left of the feller's farm for a fee and they'd lay great stress on the claim that it was a first offense, and they'd guarantee that their client would never again, never, commit the first offense again, and so on and so forward.

"And, jedge, in many cases the court would bring himself to believe that the ends of justice would he served by considerin' the extenuatin' details, and he'd administer the minimum fine to the defendant, and then the 'tarnal lawyer would charge a double fee because he had got the fine so low. Now, jedge, I am acting as my own lawyer in this case because I was afeared that if I got a lawyer to enter this plea of guilty he'd twist it around some way, and get you to refuse it, and discharge me, and then he'd charge me five hundred dollars for getting me cleared when I didn't want to be cleared.

"Jedge. I'm only a plain, blunt man like Hark Manthony was in the time of Caesar, and I can't overwhelm you with eloquence and citations from the annotated decisions of the police court of Wauchula, but if you will grant me a little time I shall try to show you why I should be imposed with the biggest fine that a Burnt Store resident ever drew.

"In the first place, jedge, I went into that state of intoxication of my own free will, aforethought, and premeditated, and as voluntarily as a grown up girl lets her mother do the cookin'; and it wasn't my first offense by a good'eal, tho' I hope it may be the last one; and I didn't even consider the kind, quality or quantity of the swig I was fillin' up on, and I didn't care whether it was rainwater, oatmeal mash and alcohol, or alcohol, rainwater and oatmeal mash, or vice-versa, and when I had imbibed about five gallons of it I didn't care for home, friends or work, death, hell, heaven, or lying in state in purgatory a few months. I'd throw my money into the streets or spend it for something I didn't need any more than a grasshopper needs hard coal in winter.

"And jedge, may it please your honor, when I got to the highest point of my souse on that amalgamated swig. I'd stand right up anywhere or everywhere, and, right in the faces of all the Websters - Daniel, Noah and Zeke - deny that there was any such thing as 'morality,' and bet them fifty bucks that their old dictionary didn't contain such a word; and I'd argue and dispute and contend that there wasn't any difference between good and bad, and that, if there was the bad they had the best time by far, and I’d growl at my friends, curse my relatives, load the old shotgun for my enemies, claim the whole earth and the rest of the family of planets, and threaten ejectment proceedings against everybody whose name appeared in the last census book.

And, jedge, just one or six more words and I am through. I don't claim that I was drunk and went about the streets of Burnt Store staggering like an underfed dog. But I do claim I was intoxicated - poisoned - had taken something by mouth which had a toxic or poisonous effect; and that's one of the chief reasons I am entitled to receive at your hands the highest sum that ever went into the fine and forfeiture fund. Jedge, I should never have prosecuted myself if I had gone to the places where it is possible to procure an old-fashioned, good-natured, good-feeling, good-everything, good-night jag, and gotten up in the morning with pleasant memories of the evenin' and hearty hopes of a repetition thereof without running any risk of making more work for the undertaker. And then, jedge, if my time limit has not been reached, look at the business side of it. What was my truck farm doing while I was on that diet of gasoline and boiled sorghum? Not a thing. Nothing working but ground moles and leaf curlers. Why, I was even glad and rejoiced to say, 'to perdition with business; I'll be there to take care of it in a few days.'

"And, now, jedge, thanking you for your attention, I ask that I be given and granted the heaviest fine that the statutes of law provide, and I submit that I am entitled to it for the reasons adduced."

The justice entered up the highest fine provided by law, and 'Mr. Hall took from his clothes a roll of bills big enough to dam Fisheating Creek during a flood and threw it upon the desk. The change was made and Mr. Hall stuffed the balance into a gunny sack and kicked it out into the hall. "Who says that I can't win my own suit without a lawyer?" said he, as he prepared to depart.

"You presented your case very well," said the justice, "and were entitled to the decision. I am glad you are satisfied with it; but isn't there something back of it all? A bet or a wager or a promise or something like that?"

And the Explanation

"Jedge, if you agree not to reverse yourself or remit that fine, I'll give you some further information." "I agree." said the judge.

"Well, about three months ago our family physician hinted to my wife that he believed I had tuberculosis, and it frightened her almost to death. She mourned around the house as if I was already dead and the insurance company wouldn't settle. One day my Aunt, who had over heard talk about my ailment, said to my wife:

"What you-all mo’nin’ about?  My ole man was as full of dem tubercule germs as a fe’ther bedtick is full of straw, and he et only one meal a week. One day a man comes along an' he says he could b’l up a dicocshun what, 'ud kill germs as big as anerconder rattlesnakes. An dem dar two men, dey jis keep my boilers and pots red hot fer two days, an' then they drink up that extrac' and my ole man laid around like daid for five days. Den he done gits over it, an' ah hain't seen or heerd a sign of a germ about him since.'

"So, jedge, I thought I'd try Auntie's remedy, and I must say that I'm ready to give a testimonial to any concern that puts a patent on that stuff.

Graham has been researching the life and writings of Wallace Chadman, who wintered in Punta Gorda from about 1912 to 1924. For a time he was the town’s attorney,and was also a regular contributor of humorous stories to various newspapers across America. A Tampa Tribune article of February 14, 1918 described him as follows “sage, philosopher, lawyer and humorist, of Punta Gorda. Chad’s philosophy of life is to make at least two smiles bloom where one flowered before.”